UWS residents overcome by noxious teen angst

An Upper West Side family of four is in stable condition after an outbreak of teen angst swept through their tiny apartment. Health officials suspect the outbreak was triggered by the thirteenth birthday of a family member, noting that half of the apartment’s four occupants are between the ages of 13 and 16. Symptoms include sullenness, ennui, and an unwillingness to answer the phone or put dirty clothes in the laundry. Experts say contributing risk factors include living in an enclosed space with limited light and no views of Central Park. The parents were advised that symptoms would subside with age, an option the father reportedly refused to consider, hoping instead to “turn back time.”