UWS residents overcome by noxious teen angst

An Upper West Side family of four is in stable condition after an outbreak of teen angst swept through their tiny apartment. Health officials suspect the outbreak was triggered by the thirteenth birthday of a family member, noting that half of the apartment’s four occupants are between the ages of 13 and 16. Symptoms include sullenness, ennui, and an unwillingness to answer the phone or put dirty clothes in the laundry. Experts say contributing risk factors include living in an enclosed space with limited light and no views of Central Park. The parents were advised that symptoms would subside with age, an option the father reportedly refused to consider, hoping instead to “turn back time.”

Community college “as good as Ivies,” says UWS family

Reacting to the spiraling costs of college education, one New York couple is claiming they’ve planned all along for their kids to go to community college. The father, identified as Todd, rhetorically asked reporters, “Why spend all that money to go to Harvard and be, like, a stressed-out CEO or Senator when you can go to community college and get an equally fulfilling job as a dental hygienist?” His wife Jennifer added “And without all the stress!” Friends and neighbors hinted that the couple failed to establish college funds for either of their kids because they assumed they’d get rich writing children’s books and making jewelry in their spare time.

NYC teen survives harrowing high school application process

A New York teen is re-learning to walk, speak, and be belligerent after surviving a traumatic NYC high school application process. Designed by gerbils on crack, the process is designed to ensure that students may attend any crappy public high school in the five boroughs rather than the crappy high school in their own neighborhood. It coincides with applications to the city’s specialized public high schools--the “elite” public schools attended by the city’s Asian community. As such, the process entails months of tests, open houses, tours, in-person interviews, and applications—under the guidance of harried parents, who have their own personal crap to deal with. Efforts to reach the teen were unsuccessful, as he was playing Minecraft and unwilling to answer the phone.