An Upper West Side family of four is in stable condition
after an outbreak of teen angst swept through their tiny apartment. Health
officials suspect the outbreak was triggered by the thirteenth birthday of a
family member, noting that half of the apartment’s four occupants are between
the ages of 13 and 16. Symptoms include sullenness, ennui, and an unwillingness
to answer the phone or put dirty clothes in the laundry. Experts say contributing
risk factors include living in an enclosed space with limited light and no views
of Central Park. The parents were advised that symptoms would subside with age, an option the father reportedly refused to consider, hoping
instead to “turn back time.”
Community college “as good as Ivies,” says UWS family
Reacting to the spiraling costs of college education, one New
York couple is claiming they’ve planned all along for their kids to go to
community college. The father, identified as Todd, rhetorically asked
reporters, “Why spend all that money to go to Harvard and be, like, a stressed-out
CEO or Senator when you can go to community college and get an equally
fulfilling job as a dental hygienist?” His wife Jennifer added “And without all
the stress!” Friends and neighbors hinted that the couple failed to establish college
funds for either of their kids because they assumed they’d get rich writing
children’s books and making jewelry in their spare time.
NYC teen survives harrowing high school application process
A New York teen is re-learning to walk, speak, and be
belligerent after surviving a traumatic NYC high school application process. Designed by gerbils on crack, the process is designed to ensure that students may
attend any crappy public high school in the five boroughs rather than the crappy high school in their own neighborhood. It coincides
with applications to the city’s specialized public high
schools--the “elite” public schools attended by the city’s Asian community. As
such, the process entails months of tests, open houses, tours, in-person
interviews, and applications—under the guidance of harried parents, who have their
own personal crap to deal with. Efforts to reach the teen were unsuccessful, as he was
playing Minecraft and unwilling to answer the phone.
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